I Was Convinced That I Identified As a Gay Woman - David Bowie Helped Me Uncover the Reality

Back in 2011, a few years ahead of the renowned David Bowie show launched at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I publicly announced a homosexual woman. Previously, I had only been with men, one of whom I had wed. After a couple of years, I found myself nearing forty-five, a recently separated caregiver to four kids, making my home in the United States.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my gender identity and romantic inclinations, looking to find understanding.

Born in England during the early 1970s - before the internet. When we were young, my peers and I didn't have Reddit or YouTube to turn to when we had curiosities about intimacy; instead, we looked to music icons, and throughout the eighties, musicians were challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer donned male clothing, Boy George embraced feminine outfits, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured artists who were openly gay.

I desired his slender frame and sharp haircut, his angular jaw and male chest. I aimed to personify the Bowie's Berlin period

During the nineties, I lived operating a motorcycle and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My husband transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull back towards the manhood I had earlier relinquished.

Given that no one experimented with identity quite like David Bowie, I chose to spend a free afternoon during a seasonal visit returning to England at the museum, hoping that possibly he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity specifically what I was seeking when I walked into the exhibition - maybe I thought that by immersing myself in the richness of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, in turn, encounter a hint about my true nature.

Before long I was standing in front of a small television screen where the film clip for "Boys Keep Swinging" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking sharp in a charcoal outfit, while to the side three accompanying performers in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

In contrast to the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies weren't sashaying around the stage with the poise of born divas; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Placed in secondary positions, they were chewing and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the backing singers, with their thick cosmetics, ill-fitting wigs and too-tight dresses.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in women's clothes - irritated and impatient, as if they were longing for it all to end. Precisely when I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I desired to rip it all off and emulate the artist. I craved his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his strong features and his masculine torso; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. Nevertheless I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Announcing my identity as queer was a different challenge, but transitioning was a considerably more daunting outlook.

I required further time before I was ready. During that period, I tried my hardest to embrace manhood: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my women's clothing, cut off my hair and commenced using masculine outfits.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and modified my personal references, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

When the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a presentation in the American metropolis, five years later, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be something I was not.

Standing in front of the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue didn't involve my attire, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been presenting artificially all his life. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a doctor shortly afterwards. The process required additional years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I worried about occurred.

I still have many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to explore expression following Bowie's example - and now that I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.