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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.